For so much of my life it seemed like I could control hard times by working harder, waiting a circumstance out, or finding someone to change the situation for me. Even prayer felt like a way to control adversity. If I prayed hard enough, or using the right methods, or got enough people to pray, then maybe I could get God to change the difficult circumstances, and I would feel in control once again. It was so important for me to feel in control.
It was during my father’s illness that I finally broke. As he struggled with dementia the last few years of his life, I struggled to feel in control at all. I wondered why God let this happen to my dad, and how I could endure the grief I felt as he slipped away. I no longer felt like I had control of my life, but instead had to let it unfold painfully around me. I couldn’t fix this.